Everything should be better today, eventhought i did'nt get the sholarship I craved for. The scholarship may bring more good than harm to me, that's what I thought. But now, without it, I tried to find excuses not to let myself fall into sadness, or rather, fustration.
And then, accidentally, I bumped into one of the winners amongst the applicants. I did'nt expect to meet her in this place- my music school. I smiled and joy filled within me when I saw her. She is not as enchanted as other girls, but her friendliness, talkativeness and humourous makes me turn on. But I thought, I can't fall in with her. She just like a good girlfriend. Not more than that. We greeted, then I asked her, "did you get it?" Her answer was positive. Congratulation! That's what I said to her. Honestly.
She said that she thought that I will get it. Then we will be schoolmates. Is she trying to express she has feelings on me? No way! I'm just think too much...
What should it be if I am falling in love. Fall in love descently. I hope everything can be change. I force myself to reject it. It just won't done! "How can I be someone like this..." this lingers in my mind everytime. Almost everytime.
Can I change myself as a boy who are attracted to boys? Is it normal for me to be someone like that? Or am I right to be someone like that. I know it was indescent. But it attracts me. Makes me craved for more, everything it provides is amazing to me. But goodness inside me warns me when it approach me. Just like just now... Men in suits, men with good looking face... I acted like a girl, which I should not act as a boy. I know many people have prejudice on this, but, can I become normal? Like I wished for?
